My Blog

"I'm actually feeling rather cautious about escalating the war in Afghanistan, but I do love me some motherfuckin' drones."

This is what Major General Michael E. Dunlavey told me about Afghanistan:

"We’ll probably have 100,000 pairs of boots on the ground in Afghanistan by the end of the year. That’s where we’re going. Despite what the administration wants us to believe, Europeans aren’t jumping on this bandwagon. They’re not putting anybody in harm’s way—except for the Brits and the Australians, and ironically, Malaysians—or Indonesians. And I just go, ‘The whole thing’s insane!’ There’s a famous quote out there: ‘Afghanistan is a very easy country to get into and a very difficult one to get out of.’ You know who said that? The Duke of Wellington in 1810. There’s been two major British forces there. One in 1842, then 40 years later. They didn’t want the Russians there. Even Genghis Khan wanted to get out of there.” (read full interview)

The first one actual ended in 1842, and there was a third in 1919, too. But the MG's right: it's an impossible place to occupy. We should have just nuked 'em back in '01. Maybe we will now. All options are on the table.

Today is Judgment Day, apparently. Good thing I have my Rapture Hatch installed.

FRESNO -- Brother of late actor Patrick Swayze is still very much alive and willing to work, according to his agent.

"A lot of people see Don as a lesser Swayze," says Ari Agentberg, "They say he's a physically repugnant, pathetic and talentless excuse for Patrick. Some wish cancer had eaten his pancreas instead," he continues, "but Don's -- he's totally OK in the right light, and ready to do films again!"

However studies show nearly 55% of Americans believe Don died, not Patrick, and the remaining 45% believe that Don Swayze never really existed.

"These finding are only natural," says Dr. David Kimborough from the Institute of Dead Celebrities and Siblings. "When Michael Jackson died, we saw many people saying that Tito had died, because, you know, who cares about Tito?"

"Of course, Don's not dead," adds Agentberg. "Now's his time to shine! There's talk A&E may make Patrick's life story into a movie -- and Donnie has a very good chance of playing the hideous brother character."

According to the WSJ, Sotomayor has huge balls.



























In her first case on the high court, she surprised many by questioning the very (weak) legal foundation for corporate personhood. Sotomayor quote from the article:

Well, not yet. But I'm working on making this thing a little less crappy. Should be done today, although I have no idea what I'm doing (What else is new?).

In light of the Supreme Court hearing the 'Hillary: The Movie!' case, which deals directly with the free speech rights of corporations, I've decided to post this little unpublished story I wrote about Licking, PA. Not only is that an awesome name for a town, but they're one of very few places in the country to outlaw corporate personhood.

---

The tiny township of Licking, PA is a Sunday drive. There's nothing to it but trees, a few stony roads and cow farts. There's no visible indication of its legal significance. In March, 2003 Licking became one of a handful of towns in the US to strip corporations of their personhood—another lawyer trick.

Back in 1886 well-funded railroad lawyers hijacked the 14th Amendment, which was supposed to provide the protection of “life, liberty, or property” to ex-slaves. In the case of Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad, corporate flunkies argued that taxes levied on railroad property violated equal protection. The court never ruled on corporate personhood, viewing the matter as ultra vires, or “beyond the powers” of the court. However, the court reporter (a former railroad exec) quoted Chief Justice Morrison R. Waite on whether equal protection applies to corporations: “We are all of the opinion that it does.” Although this opinion wasn't a legal ruling it was cited in future cases and set a disturbing precedent.

It seems ludicrous in our 24hr news cycle culture to dwell on a misreading of a legal decision from 1886, but the impacts are far-reaching and enduring. Persons have the right to free speech. And free speech equals campaign contributions (Buckley v. Valeo, 1976). The immense wealth pooled by monstrous corporations ensures their absolute control over the electoral process—the right of big business to take a dump on the little guy. That's what was happening in Licking—literally. The quaint community of roughly 500 was a favorite dumping ground for companies hauling sewage sludge out of Pittsburgh.

“In the '80s we banned the dumping of sludge,” says Mik Robertson, a well-spoken town supervisor and former Peace Corp volunteer. I met up with him by chance when I stopped to get directions at a rustic, little shack I thought was a salt store for the highway department. “There is no mayor,” he explained. “This is where the town supervisors meet.” Oh.

A sewage company called Synagro sued the township, claiming like Southern Pacific, that its constitutional rights as a legal person were being violated. Regardless of the putrid smell and numerous illnesses, the court struck down Licking's anti-sludge ordinance. The legal battle raged through the '90s and eventually Robertson called Tom Linzey, a lawyer from the Community Environmental Legal Defense Fund.

Linzey crafted an ordinance, part of which read: "Corporations shall not be considered to be 'persons' protected by the Constitution of the United States." It was passed unanimously by Licking's board of supervisors. The small township's been—mostly—shit free since. “No one's challenged it,” Robertson says, much to Linzey's chagrin.

“So it worked?” I ask.

“Well, a rooster can claim to make the sun rise,” he says, “but that doesn't make it so.”

One town in the middle of bumblefuck-nowhere won a small victory. Maybe. Now the sewage companies just dump in adjacent towns. It's not quite the revolution we need, but we should take these things one turd at a time.

Meanwhile, 'Hillary: The Movie!' will probably be found to be legitimate free speech. 5 of the 9 justices are going to drop trow, or lift robe, and shit down your throat. Open wide.

--
5-4. Just remember I called it.

These are awesome.

I see your Nguyen Ngoc Loan, and I raise you one Phan Thị Kim Phúc.



































































































OK. I should stop now.

--

And Bunting rises to the challenge.

OK, we're both done now.

Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov.

























You crazy fjord-monkey! I can't get your goofy ginger grin out of my head. Your bizarre, Norwegian face is superimposed over everything I look at. I see you when I close my eyes. I haven't slept, because of you! I just can't rest knowing that you're out there, somewhere, driving a Scandinavian bus, eatin' pickled herring and stealing names from movies.

WHAT ARE YOU, YOU MAGNIFICENT WEIRDO?! RELEASE YOUR HOLD ON ME! UNDO YOUR MAGIC SPELL!

Sincerely,
Ian

P.S. Call me.

Keith Olbermann is a twat. I think Uthman said it best: "Olbermann is an infuriating conundrum -- a person who adopts mostly correct positions for mostly erroneous reasons."

It's been a few weeks now since Keith put Pat Boone (I know, I thought he was dead too) on his "Worst Person" list. Here's the transcript:

The runner up, columnist, singer Pat Boone, describes seeing cancer fighting cells he saw under a microscope once as “a bunch of little orphan Annie eyes, perfectly round, clear circles.” Described the cancer cells he saw as, quote, “little black iridescent globs, almost radiant from within, pulsing with menace, looking like miniature Darth Vaders from ‘Star Wars.‘

Then he concluded, “I have to ask the obvious question. Do we know how cancer starts, where the black, filthy cells come from?”

He then compare the miniaturized Darth Vaders, the black iridescent globs, the black filthy cells, to a political virus. And concluded, quote, “I call it liberalism.” And when there is an African-American president, Pat, the rest of us call those filthy black references racism.

Is Pat Boone likely a racist dildo (he writes for World Net Daily; Joe Farah believes in dragons!)? Probably. I mean, listen to what he did to "Tutti Frutti." But Olbermann's accusation is straight-up, liberal-knee-jerk bullshit.

Two small points: cancer cells are black, and Darth Vader is white!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

After I watched the August 31st episode of "Countdown" I went to sleep believing Olbermann would be called out by both liberals and conservatives. I forgot about it. A fortnight later, I decide to use the Google machine to see the response to Olbermann's idiotic attack, but don't you know it, there's almost no condemnation coming from the left. Leave it to liberals to disappoint. In fact, one of the only bits of criticism coming from the progressive camp is a sole comment on Democratic Underground by some guy from Buffalo calling him--or her--self Dorkulon. (I wonder who that could be?)

In review: is Pat Boone a retarded asshole? Absofuckinglutely. Is Olbermann a liberal dildo? Yuppers. My rage over KO is somewhat exacerbated by his phony-principled stance on curbing his O'Reilly bashing. His producers made him do that, but he pretended he was taking the high road.

Fucking twat.

I've been thinking a lot about the "enhanced interrogation" policy instituted under Bush (and likely continuing to some covert or outsourced degree under Obama) and I know my liberal heart's supposed to bleed for the innocents who got swept up by the Northern Alliance, sold to the CIA and shipped off to Gitmo or any number of global black sites, for mind-fucking, ass-fucking, ass-kicking and sometimes coldblooded murder, but I just don't give a shit.

When you live in Afghanistan or Chicago or if you go hiking through Germany, there's just an inherent risk that some goons will come along one day, hood you, shove you in a tiny box and ruin your mind with death metal and body with prolonged genital beatings. They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into.

The problem with torture, which is well understood, is that it doesn't work in gathering reliable intelligence.

And the real problem with torture Cheney-style is that it was meant to extract bogus intelligence that would justify, very poorly still, our invasion of Iraq.

These are known knowns. These are thing we know that we know.

Eh. Just sayin'.

So, you've randomly Stumbled, Googled or Binged yourself here and you're disappointed by the lack of insightful commentary and entertaining content. I know, friend. Me too.

Go here, for what you seek.

...again.

I've noticed a fair amount of traffic coming here from "Dunlavey" Google searches, because of a brief post I made about interviewing him in June. The full interview can be found buried in this massive article. It's also excerpted in its entirety below.

There's not a lot of info about this guy on the web, and this post certainly won't add much, save for the fact that he likes pizza. But who doesn't? For the real scoop on the man in charge of interrogation at Gitmo in the beginning, you really must read Philippe Sands's Torture Team.

***

I arrive in Erie late, find an unmetered parking spot just outside of downtown and call it Camp X-Ray. They’re serving $2 pitchers of swill at a place nearby called The Antler. “The Moose is Loose,” reads the sign. Pennsylvania’s a strange place—a Puritan’s conundrum. You can’t buy booze anywhere outside of the pubs, but you can get it to go. I drink two pitchers, ogle college girls and then stumble back to camp.

It’s a sweltering morning. Beer seeps from my pores as I enter the massive, Greek-columned courthouse on West 6th.

Courtroom H is paneled in dark wood with red-painted vertical accents that reach the vaulted ceiling. The bench is raised and situated in the left corner. “All rise for the Honorable Michael E. Dunlavey,” instructs the bailiff. “You may be seated.”

This morning’s defendant is a minor drug offender and  petty thief. The judge is a far more interesting criminal.

Dunlavey is an army reservist Major General, handpicked by Donald Rumsfeld to head up the interrogation division at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. He served as Commanding Officer of Joint Task Force 170 from February to November, 2002. His October 11, 2002 request to pursue 18 methods of torture – including stress positions, dog phobias, extremes in temperatures and general dickishness – was attached to the now infamous Haynes memo, which Donald Rumsfeld lent his signature and this hilarious note: “However, I stand for 8–10 hours a day. Why is standing limited to 4 hours?”

William “Jim” Haynes II, a bipedal worm and former General Counsel of the DoD, recalled in 2004 that the request of the “aggressive Major General” is what started the move away from The Geneva Conventions and toward enhanced interrogation. 

In his impeccably researched book Torture Team: Rumsfeld’s Memo and the Betrayal of American Values, British barrister and professor of law at University College London Philippe Sands wrote this of Dunlavey’s brief memo: “It propelled a momentous request into the heart of the Pentagon without raising a single policy concern about the consequences of ditching [US Army Interrogation] Field Manual 34-52.”

Sands continues: “This memo was written by someone who knew the request would be approved, which suggested prior contact with decision-makers in the Pentagon. Such a request would not have been made if its author entertained doubts as to its prospects.”

Around the time of the one year anniversary of 9/11, Dunlavey was under incredible pressure to come up with actionable intelligence. There was, perhaps, a wink and a nod coming from the very top—Feith, Rumsfeld and even Bush, whom the Major General reported to directly. Now Dunlavey’s in a modest Pennsylvania courtroom keeping America safe from drug users and smalltime crooks.

“It looks like you stopped growing—a little bit,” Dunlavey quips to a black kid in shackles and prison orange. He stands out like a lump of charcoal in a snow bank. The Judge has built a rapport with the repeat offender. Dunlavey’s been interrogating people since Vietnam. Most of that time he’s likely stuck to FM 34-52, which stresses rapport building.

“You have been read your rights,” a clerk tells the defendant. “Do you understand those rights?” He nods pensively. Today Dunlavey will be adhering to the Geneva Conventions. Common Article 3 will apply. The detainee shows no physical or psychological signs of mistreatment. How will he juice him for intel?

As Dunlavey hears evidence, he asks the occasional question, judiciously strokes his bottom lip and chin, and periodically reclines in his large leather chair. In the end, the kid gets off easy—probation, some fines and time served. The next defendant is a no-show.

“Alright,” Dunlavey stands up and looks toward the press seats. His posture is every bit military issue. “Who do we have here?”

“These two are interning with Erie PD,” the bailiff says and motions to the kids sitting quietly to my right. “And this guy’s a journalist from Buffalo.”

“Buffalo?” Dunlavey beams. “Where’d you grow up?”

It turns out that we grew up in the same South Buffalo neighborhood. I went to the terrible public school and he went to the Catholic school down the road. We always hated those Catholic kids with their stupid ties, and they hated us with our lack of ties. But he’s of an older generation and neither of us holds a grudge. We talk for a while about the sorry state of Buffalo’s economy. He’d been back home recently for a UB law school reunion, and can’t get over the mess they’ve made of the waterfront.

“Why are you here?” he finally asks.

“To talk to you.”

“About what?”

“I don’t really know,” I say. “Politics and stuff.”

“Well, I’m apolitical,” he replies. “I voted for the president.”

“Are you going to the dinner tomorrow?” I ask.

“The what?”

“You know, the Bush thing.”

“No,” he says curtly. “No reason to go.”

In roughly 36 hours Erie, PA will be hosting the 104th annual meeting of the Manufacturer and Business Association at the Bayfront Convention Center. The dinner costs from $1,100 to $1,500 a plate. About 1,600 people are expected to attend. International war criminal George W. Bush will be the keynote speaker. It’s his first domestic post-presidency speech. I suspect there’ll be a massive protest.

“What about Gitmo?” I ask directly.

“Can’t.” he scowls. “It’s in litigation. After it’s out of litigation, I’ll give you a draft of my book... an autographed copy.”

“Um....cool.”

“I’d love to talk to you about it, because there’s so much disinformation and misinformation—and just out and out lies. It’s just absolutely mind-boggling to me. And the end result is a lot of people have been falsely accused of doing the wrong thing when they didn’t. They did the right thing. They did it well, and it’s totally out of control. It’s incredible to me how partisan people in this administration have been, but it’s not my—it’s way above my pay grade as they say.

“And, while we’re in litigation my lawyers told me don’t talk to anybody anymore. I said, ‘Why not?’ They said, ‘Well, you know as well as I do that no matter what you do or what you say, somebody will take it out of context.’ Some people will—there’s actually been people who’ve written articles and I don’t even know who they are, or attributed comments to me from a third party, and I have no idea who these people are. So, how do you fight that?”

Mock burials...fierce dogs...stress positions....fake menstrual blood....Koran in the toilet....Christina Aguilera!

“Classic example was some stuff two weeks ago in the Charlotte paper. I happened to be passing through there to go to a friend’s retirement, and I talked about uh... (sighs)... not Zawahiri. I’ve just forgotten his name. The guy [Khalid Sheikh Mohammed] who we captured in Pakistan and waterboarded—the CIA did it. You know, I mean, they did. But this writer, on the front page of the Charlotte Observer, or whatever it was, said that happened by the CIA in Guantanamo in 2002. The guy wasn’t even captured yet! I mean, you print something like that, and then it will be republished and people will reference it, and it’s just one mistake after another, and each one—you know, I’m a historian. I love history. We fail to pay attention to it. It’s just like right now. We’ll probably have 100,000 pairs of boots on the ground in Afghanistan by the end of the year. That’s where we’re going. Despite what the administration wants us to believe, Europeans aren’t jumping on this bandwagon. They’re not putting anybody in harm’s way—except for the Brits and the Australians, and ironically, Malaysians—or Indonesians. And I just go, ‘The whole thing’s insane!’ There’s a famous quote out there: ‘Afghanistan is a very easy country to get into and a very difficult one to get out of.’ You know who said that? The Duke of Wellington in 1810. There’s been two major British forces there. One in 1842, then 40 years later. They didn’t want the Russians there. Even Genghis Khan wanted to get out of there.”

We talk Buffalo. “Has anyone done a biography of [deceased former mayor] Your Honor Jimmy Griffin?” he asks. “He was like a modern-day Daley out of Chicago,” he says with admiration, smoothing his long, black robe.

“Is that the guy who told everyone to go out and drink beer during a blizzard?” the clerk asks Dunlavey.

“I don’t recall,” he answers, “but that sounds about right!” Dunlavey then complains about Erie—how they built a public parking ramp on the most valuable piece of property downtown, and how you can’t get a decent pizza.

“You gotta go to Wildwood,” the bailiff butts in. “John’s Wildwood. He’s from Wildwood, New Jersey.”

We say our goodbyes and Dunlavey disappears into his chamber. I hate to say it, but I sort of liked the guy. 

The Major General’s influence would be felt around the world. The guy who replaced him, General Geoffrey D. Miller, went on to “Gitmo-ize” Abu Ghraib. And was it just me, or weren’t those some really nice photos? Too bad Obama won’t release more. Seymour Hersh says that there’s video depicting atrocities well beyond the 18 techniques of Dunlavey’s request—like raping teenage boys in front of their mothers.

It’s unclear from the available information whether Dunlavey’s memo sprang from his sincere desire to protect us from evildoers, or if the idea was seeded by his seniors to construct a ground-up narrative. The portrait painted in Torture Team is of a soldier following unspoken orders. “No one ever told me ‘the gloves are off,’“ he told Sands. “But I didn’t need to talk about the Geneva Conventions, it was clear that they didn’t apply.”

Maybe Americans are too dumb to delve into the legality of what was done in our dungeons. A recent USA Today/Gallup poll shows that we oppose closing Gitmo 2-1, and according to The Economist we have a more permissible attitude toward torture than China. Muckraker Jeremy Scahill reports that abuses continue at Guantánamo to this day. Sami al-Haj, an Al Jazeera journalist who was held illegally at Gitmo until May 2008, is now suing Bush & Company, but nobody cares. Obama retained Bush’s policy of indefinite detention, but that’s not as sexy as a fake birth certificate controversy. (Incidentally, when I purchased Sands’ book the clerk at Borders asked me, “How do you spell torture?”)

Public opinion of Dunlavey in Erie ranges from “he’s an asshole” to “he kept us safe” to “I don’t know no Dung-wavy.” A local reporter I talked to stopped just short of calling him Hitler’s Douchebag.

I spend the rest of the day walking around Erie killing time and looking for public toilets. Back at Camp X-Ray—my beleaguered  ‘96 Cavalier—I recline the seat as far as she goes, smoke a joint and enjoy another night of solitary confinement.

Bills 24, Pats 25 in a Monday night squeaker. Crap.

Ask this guy:


His name is Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov. And I think I love him.

If you can read Norwegian, the story is here. If you can't, you're probably a dirty Swede, and I'll kindly ask you to exit my blog.

This image will give me nightmares.

Just me hangin' out in the woods with my friend Knifey Kniferson.

It's good to do a self portrait from time to time -- especially when under contractual obligation.

Here's a little video I made, but neglected to post here out of laziness -- and principle. But mostly laziness.



(FUN FACT: The sleeping Kurdish gentleman at the beginning and end of the film is BEAST Editor-in-Chief Allan Uthman.)